Lately, I've been quiet.
I'm not the only one, I've noticed. Many of my bloggy friends have abandoned their regular writing schedules over the past month to just marinate and take things in. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that.
Yesterday was my birthday. It wasn't a "monumental number" birthday. However, I was struck (and perhaps a little prideful) by the number of people who took time out of their day to send a text, call, email or drop a quick line on facebook to me. I had no idea that many people...cared.
Last year, I was ALSO amazed at how many people on facebook said Happy Birthday to me on my wall. (Facebook is good for something, after all!) I vowed in a status update to return the favor and post birthday wishes back to my friends. But, of course, my resolution lost steam by October. I kept forgetting. Or I assume my "friend" would think I was weird for writing something heartful - and public - on their wall. (Silly, since they ARE Facebook FRIENDS, right?!)
This year, when I got my first Happy Birthday message, it felt great. I remembered how I failed at the chance to be lovely with people all year long. I vowed to give everyone a gift back. I vowed to stop whatever I was doing when I received their message and I vowed to give them my whole attention.
And then I would respond with my whole self.
And I wouldn't edit it.
That last part is particularly hard for me. I'm keen on cultivating an image, I suppose. I edit this blog all the time. I edit emails several times before I send them. I erase status updates and links if they are older than a few days from my Facebook wall, only to have friends repeatedly contact me with:
"I tried to find that post from a few days ago and now it's gone! BOO!"
Why do I do this? Am I afraid a new friend will stalk back a few pages on my Facebook wall and make snap judgements about me? Yeah,I think about that. Of course, the Irony of that is that I am fairly exclusive about the friends I accept on Facebook in the first place. I have hovered at about 200 friends for years. A couple of times a year, I weed out people who don't interact with me. I know. Harsh. But it's a social network. I figure "be social and network with me...or else you don't get access to my life this way." -- So, truly, speaking of cultivated, this is a circle of people who love me. Why so much concern?
Anyhow, about half of my Facebook friends reached out to me yesterday to say hello and wish me a Happy Birthday. If you ask me - that's good odds with the Facebook. I've collected quite an amazing circle of people. It felt great to take that in.
I decided to reply to everyone with my full attention. I wanted to give back to them and I also wanted to allow myself the freedom to say "I love you" and/or "You mean so much to me and this is why..."
sSo often, I'm so careful. I edit myself. I don't wish to be like that anymore. A birthday is a great time to "birth" a new habit. So, I am going to stop deleting stuff from my facebook page. I am going to stop making revisions once I post entries on my blog. I delete far too often in those two places in order to cover up "evidence" of myself. I don't think that's the direction I should be going. I need to work on being mindful enough the first time I write something that I don't feel the complusion to go back and tweak...and tweak..and tweak again.
(I won't give up my email habit quite yet, though. My job as a Managing Director of a theater company requires a cool head. Sending the 7th rendition of an email has saved my butt more than once!)
Brain. Heart. Courage.
(I posted this entry with only ONE proof-reading. See? I CAN DO THIS.)
