Lately, I've been quiet.
I'm not the only one, I've noticed. Many of my bloggy friends have abandoned their regular writing schedules over the past month to just marinate and take things in. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that.
Yesterday was my birthday. When I got my first Happy Birthday message on Facebook, it felt great. Then I remembered how I failed at the chance to be lovely with people all year long and wish them a Happy Birthday. Uhg. In that moment yesterday, I decided to give everyone a gift back. I vowed to stop whatever I was doing when I received their message and I vowed to give them my whole attention.
And then I would respond with my whole self.
And I wouldn't edit it.
That last part is particularly hard for me. I'm keen on cultivating an image. I edit this blog all the time. I edit emails several times before I send them. I erase status updates and links if they are older than a few days from my Facebook wall, only to have friends repeatedly contact me with:
"I tried to find that post from a few days ago and now it's gone! BOO!"
Why do I do this? Am I afraid a new friend will stalk back a few pages on my Facebook wall and make snap judgements about me? I think about that sometimes.
Anyhow, about half of my Facebook friends reached out to me yesterday to say hello and wish me a Happy Birthday. If you ask me - that's good odds with the Facebook. I've collected quite an amazing circle of people. I don't know why I am so worried about being judged.
I replied to everyone with my full attention. I wanted to allow myself the freedom to say "I love you" and/or "You mean so much to me and this is why..."
So often, I'm so careful. I edit myself. I don't wish to be like that anymore. A birthday is a great time to "birth" a new habit. So, I am going to stop deleting stuff from my facebook page. I am going to stop making revisions once I post entries on my blog. I delete far too often in those two places in order to cover up "evidence" of myself. I don't think that's the direction I should be going. I need to work on being mindful enough the first time I write something that I don't feel the complusion to go back and tweak...and tweak..and tweak again.
(I won't give up my email habit quite yet, though. My job as a Managing Director of a theater company requires a cool head. Sending the 7th rendition of an email has saved my butt more than once!)
Brain. Heart. Courage.
(I posted this entry with only one proof-reading. See? I CAN DO THIS.)