My life does not have a whole lot of troubles. I don't know why I often feel like it does. "I'm so overwhelmed!" I say. What? Really? I am able to feed myself and clothe myself and keep a roof over my head, so...shut it, right? I don't have troubles. Not really.
This week I had three projects that were competing for my attention. I was so behind on my schedule of How To Get It All Done that by Wednesday afternoon, I had to just throw my hands in the air and say,
"Welp, this won't get done by any of the deadlines. Just won't."
On top of all that, I have just received the opportunity to go back to school for a couple of years. And - bing! - so overwhelming. That's immediately where I went in my head. But..really? Is it that overwhelming? I'd be doing it online. The fiscal part is taken care of. Yet I have been battling such resistance over the past few weeks.
I like the "idea" of getting an advanced degree...
I'm sure I would be "proud" once it was completed...
But it will take an immense amount of work and isn't my life already...hard?
I had a conversation with Fred about it on Sunday night. He was incredulous with me. All my hemming and hawing? HELLO, who doesn't want a free degree?! WHO TURNS THAT DOWN?!!
The conversation was not going anywhere for quite awhile. Finally:
"You wanna say it? You should say it."
"What...?"
"Come on."
"..."
"COME ON!"
"Okay, fine. I WANT THE PRIZE. I JUST DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR IT."
"There. Now isn't that better?"
("I'll take Spoiled Brats for $400, Alex.")
I don't want to work for it.
That's what it is. Right there.
There's this (weird) story I made up in my head as I was transitioning from being a child to being an adult: at some point in my late teens, I got it into my head that I am not talented enough to have "Being The Star" as my job. NO -- I must work my way up the ladder, one little minion job after another, and then and only then will I have done enough to deserve a little applause.
Now, I know "Being The Star" is work, actually. But, to be honest, it's the kind of work I'd prefer to be doing. It's FUN work. I have felt resentful many times over in the past 20 years as I watched "The Star" waltz in to rehearsals and get catered to. All their needs met ("Yes, sir. Yes, miss. Right away!") and, ahem, usually by me, as an administrator, working behind the scenes to make it all appear magical.
I know stars do a lot of work on their own. There are no overnight sensations. Don't believe what is said or printed in entertainment news. Nobody ever gets Discovered. All actors, nay, even "personalities" - we all work our butts off to craft an image that we show to the world. In addition, the very talented stars spend hours upon hours in solitude crafting their talent with great diligence. Ya gotta give props where props are due.
I like idea of spending hours in solitude with my work. That is so much more enjoyable than running around like a chicken with my head cut off, making sure that all sorts of administrative tasks stay juggled. Somehow I got the idea that this solitude is a luxury that's...not for me?
Somewhere along the line, I got it into my head that I didn't deserve the fun work and the fun job at the same time. Somewhere along the line, I decided that the fun job is only a reward for doing a bunch of un-fun work first.
I decided to throw my hands up in the air this week and say,
"I will not finish all this in time."
...and then I proceeded to re-organize my To Do into two columns:
Things I Will Actually Do
and
Things I Will Proudly Choose To Bullshit My Way Through Today.
This is just splendid. It might turn out to be my new modus operandi. So far, no one can tell which list my actions are coming from.
Also, I'm feeling better. It's good to acknowledge the Diva, yes? We, as a culture, give certain people permission to be divas all the time -- so if I'm not hurting anybody, why not take it back for myself?
Okay. So this...golden opportunity I have. I still have to figure out what I am going to do with it. Can I turn the idea of work into fun?
Last night, I decided to take one class in Spring 2012. Just to see what it's like. If it's not for me, I'll bail. The first "tier" of the program involves selecting 4 classes from a pre-approved list. Then you move to a second "tier" that is your emphasis in the program. I have always loathed general education classes. Why are you people making me suffer before letting me learn something I actually WANT to learn?
But here's where the Universe decides to shine on me, see? I scanned the approved general education list and on the second page at the bottom, I discovered this:
"Cultural Diversity: American Musicals"
Wow.
I know I can kill that class. And it won't even feel like work.
Isn't that better?
