Oh. You know.
I want to write this entry, but I also don't. Rehearsal had it's ups and downs last night. We have not received casting information yet, so we are doing a lot of ensemble and improv exercises. I think this is a good thing because we are having to explore a whole lot of "not knowing" -- both as a group and within ourselves.
Not knowing is hard. I am a little worried that once casting assignments go out, we will all default back to old habits instead of continuing to be in a not knowing place. I hope that won't happen. I don't feel like I've had quite enough of this "not knowing what part I'm playing yet" phase of the process yet. I'm trying to process a lot of new information and I'm afraid it won't stick.
I heard a rumor that casting is happening right now as I type. I don't know if this rumor is truly true or if the casting will occur, but The Powers That Be will refrain from releasing the cast list just yet...? Or if I'll log on to my email at a random moment this weekend and - surprise - this is what I'm doing for the show. Like, "Okaaaay, so this is what I'll be living with until (gulp) Spring 2012." I just don't know.
Oh, hey! Here's what I do know: I get to snuggle up to failure every time we do an improv exercise. And we've been doing them a lot lately. This is painful and brilliant. I am a colossal mess when it comes to improv games. I can't even put a sheen on things to make it look like I know what I am doing.
Example: we were doing a game called "zip, schwartz, svigliano" last night. I think the best way to explain it is to say that it's an advanced form of "zip, zap, zop". You guys....? I'm pretty sure "zip, schwartz, svigliano" might kill me before the end of this show. Yep, I'm pretty sure I still won't have the hang of it by April 2012.
I get the "zip" part (sending energy across the room)and I sorta get the "schwartz" part (it's a bounce back), but the "svigliano" is a FAKE OUT and the responsibility goes back to the person before the person who said "svigliano" and OMG WHO WAS THAT AGAIN? I HAVE NO IDEA.
At one point during the rehearsal last night, I actually felt a lump in my throat and I said to myself, "Do. Not. Cry."
I was trying so hard to get it but I couldn't get it.
I know I should go easy on myself because I don't have a lot of experience with improv exercises and this was certainly the first time for me with the whole advanced "schwartz/svigliano" aspect....but, JAYSUS. I am a bright individual. Why can't I just get it a little bit so I can at least make everyone else believe that I can sort of do it? So revealing.
Here's a fine kick in the teeth that's unrelated/related: right now I'm in a group that's beta testing a book that hasn't been released yet. This morning I was studying for the discussion time for next week and THIS came up in my reading:
The cure for ego is humility.
So there you go. I'm all up in my humility right now.
